The reason behind the reason.

January 26, 2024

Today I reflected on letting go after goodbye, which is always the hardest part. I explored some raw emotions and more unsaid words.

Maybe you were hurt. Maybe you were so caught off guard that you were just lost for words. Maybe you were angry. Maybe you really did feel “thrown away” and questioned if I used you to get better and now that I’m on the mend, I don’t need you anymore? I’m not sure, but fuck it hurt to hear you say you felt that way because I’ve been thrown away before and the feeling is insurmountable. If you only knew how hard the last few weeks have been for me, maybe you wouldn’t have said that. Even after having an agreement with you, you still broke the rules and went dark again without any word. This last time hurt deeper for some reason and I felt done. We are farther down that road and deserve better treatment from each other. I couldn’t do these games with you one more time regardless of the impact you’ve had on my life. For you to say you felt “thrown away” felt incredibly unfair considering how you’ve treated me in the past.

I’ve been trying to figure a way to make it work in a friendship capacity where I didn’t feel wrecked in the process.  I thought I was doing better. I was cautious with what I said. I didn’t flirt, even though you did. I tried to keep it casual.  I stepped away from our conversations this last weekend as best I could. I’ve tried to keep a distance.  Any time I wanted to text you, I didn’t. I would find something else to occupy my thoughts and keep busy.  I really thought that maybe I could be your friend, despite how silly it all seems now.  

Yesterday was just too much- seeing what was sent by someone else, knowing there had been exchanges, knowing you were looking elsewhere, knowing that I’d never be that or enough for you.  My reaction was visceral and raw.  It was basic human instinct to run and get out as quick as possible.  I don’t want to feel that way again, ever, if I can help it.  And I never had the right to feel that way anyhow which somehow made it even worse for me.  There was never an “us.” I wasn’t delusional- I never thought there was.  I knew we weren’t exclusive.  I knew we would forever live in this gray area of undefined.  But just like you said, connections like this don’t come around every day, so I have tried to protect it and cherish it and nourish it.

And yeah, whenever you would just stop existing for days at a time… god did I look for any sort of distraction.  I’ve never tried to find a replacement, just something/someone to take my mind and heart off of how I was feeling.  I was never looking for anything/anyone else.  I was looking to fill the time and hurt while I lived in limbo because you were “busy” thinking, cooling off, whatever.  I never knew what was in your mind or why you would do that or when you would pop back up only to say we should go our separate ways.

3 times you’ve typed the words “I think this is where we go our separate ways.”  I’m not sure why yesterday felt so different. Maybe because it was me saying it?  Maybe because it wasn’t on your terms?  It was almost as if you had never considered the finality before and what those words would really mean.  Maybe you thought you could say them but I’d always just be there anyway… waiting.