Julie & O’reilly BFF.
January 25, 2024
I know there will be songs, sunsets, and smells that will remind me of you. One thousand times I’ll want to reach out to see how you’re doing or to tell you about my day and 1000 times I’ll set my phone down with a lump in my throat and an ache in my chest. There will be times I can’t catch my breath because I’ll remember you’re no longer in my life and the profound sadness that brings me. I’ll replay everything over and over again like a kid watching a movie on repeat hoping for a different ending. In the end, I want to be joyful- joyful we met, joyful we talked, joyful we shared, joyful we loved. And now, more than ever in my life, I am certain that joy and grief will sit side by side in my heart and in my head sharing in those memories.
Countless times I’ve tried to picture a way that we could coexist in life in a place that maintains honesty and respect. In every scenario I’ve pictured, I wouldn’t be being honest with myself. For me, it’s impossible to put those feelings aside of wanting more. I have done it every time I’ve seen you, played it casual, and it just tears me up inside. I’ve tried to meet people and talk to other men so that maybe, just maybe I could keep my mind occupied long enough to be your “friend” like you asked. But in the end, it was you, it was always you that I wanted instead. And fuck, if I knew you cared for me like that too, I would have waited every day for those 3-4-whatever years just to give it a real shot in the end. I would have snuck around like a teenage romance in the dark for years as long as we were still learning and growing together.
But as hard as it has been to realize, I see that I’m not the one you’re after. I know you’re searching for her, your match; I’ll always just be a friend to you, a friend that conveniently offered a little more. That’s why I couldn’t stay. I hope you see that. I promise it was so much harder to say goodbye than it ever would have been to stay. Staying was comfortable, it was familiar to me, but it was disingenuous to me.
It was never about abandoning you or throwing you away. It was about being true to myself and I wanted more. I wanted to date. I wanted to hangout. I also wanted the natural organic progression. I wanted to be able to tell you how I felt in a safe place and more importantly, for you to feel similarly at some point. I couldn’t ever be a true friend to you if I always had “extra” feelings that you didn’t share.
You have never asked one thing of me but my time and I would gladly give it all to you again. I regret none of that. You saved my life when it needed saving the most. It has been so long since I’ve felt strong enough and brave enough to face the world head on- to look my mistakes in the eye and heal from them, learn from them, embrace them. It was your mere presence in my life that made me want to do better and be better for myself. You helped me feel alive again. But you were never mine to keep. You are a chapter in my book that I will reread hundreds of times over and smile each time I read it. However, that chapter “O’reilly & Julie BFF” is 100% finished and it ended with a beautiful conversation of mutual respect and understanding. Always hold me in your heart with fondness.
During your last sabbatical (note to readers: sabbaticals were periods when coms would go dark unexpectedly then return like nothing happened), I deleted everything- every archived conversation, every screen shot, every photograph. In many ways, now you’re a ghost with no proof you ever existed except in my thoughts and memories. I wish I had one photo of us, for the blogs and books. It’s sort of bizarre how someone who never offered his last name had such a profound impact on my life and yet I have nothing tangible to show for it. No ticket stub, no receipt, no picture. It’s all gone as quickly as it came. So then the question becomes, “did it really even happened at all?” Maybe you were just my Tully.
I wish there was a way to make sure you are happy and that life is going well for you- to check in from time to time. You’re my addiction though. It’s never just one drink. So that’s why, unfortunately, I can’t check in. And I don’t know what “reaching out” would even look like. Again, it’s never just one drink when I’m with you.
I think you tried to ask if you will ever have another chapter in my book. I’m not sure. Life is funny sometimes, and I have learned to never say never. If you ever get to the place in life where you want to explore something committed with me, maybe we could rewrite the stars and go from there. But for now and probably forever, I can’t be just friends, there’s no undoing, and I’m not willing to share you. I want more and won’t accept less. I’m worth it and I deserve it.
